All you need is a little vitamin sea.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
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