Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
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