What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
"Aloe you vera much."
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Look for a rainbow connection.
We’re a perfect mash.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
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