What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
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