Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
"Just don't carrot all."
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
Do you be-leaf in magic?
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Do you comma here often?
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Beach you to it.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
"I mead more wine."
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
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