What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
"I make pour decisions."
These book puns have tickled your spine.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
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