How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
"Some bunny loves you."
We’ll have a ball.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
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