How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
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