I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
In the eyes of the lawn.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
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