What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Donut even think about taking another donut!
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
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