"I mead more wine."
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
My love for you is like no otter.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
You’re my #1 pick.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
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