How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Pirates Private Property.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
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