What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Metaphors be with you.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
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