What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
V
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
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