What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
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