Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
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