How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
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