What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Long thyme no see.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
You make miso happy.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Readers do it by the book.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Don't worry, bee happy!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
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