My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Take off all your cloves.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Go to BabaMail
