What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
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