What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
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