My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
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