Dirty LimericksJoke Generator

This is where hilarious poetry meets a dirty mind - Our Dirty Limerick section!

A sperm, alack and forsooth
Was at its moment of sexual truth
It had hoped to fall
On the womb's spongy wall
But was dashed to its death on a tooth!
At McDonald’s in Guildford in Surrey
I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry
I had to act quick
To cool down my dick
So I stuck it into my McFlurry
There was a young lady from the Azores
Whose box was all covered with sores
And the dogs in the street
Wouldn’t bark at the meat
that hung in festoons from her drawers.
There once was a man from Nantucket
with a d**k so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he licked off his chin
"if my ear was a c**t I would f**k it."
There was a gay Countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
Rank and education,
She always spelt Cunt with a K.
There once was a lady from Decatur
Who got laid by a large alligator.
But nobody knew
The result of that screw
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
There once was a man from Bombay
Who fashioned a c*nt out of clay
But the heat of his prick
turned it into a brick
And it chafed all his foreskin away.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?
There was an old man of Connaught.
Whose prick was remarkably short,
When he got into bed
The old woman said,
"That's not a prick, it's a wart."
There was a man named Daddino
Met a handsome young man from Encino
The pleasures they had
Made them both rather glad
But the neighbors all found it obscene-o.
There was a Scotsman named McFee,
who got stung on his balls by a bee,
he made tonnes of money,
by producing lots of honey,
every time he went for a pee.
There once was a man from Cape Horn,
who wished he never was born.
And he wouldn't have been
if his father had seen
that the top of the rubber was torn.
In Grangemouth there's an oil refinery
A port, a canal and a winery
An to thrill you to bits
All the girls have 10 tits
That is if you count them in binary
There once was a man from East Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming...he went.
On the Breast of a woman named Gale
was tattooed the price of her tail
and on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in braille.
There once was a man from china
who wasn't a very good climba'
he slipped on a rock
and cut of his c**k
and now he's got a va**na.
There once was a man from St. Lou

Who gave his dear sister a screw.

He said with aplomb:

"You're better than Mom."

Said she: "That's what Dad told me too."
There once was a sailor named Bates
Who was dancing the mambo on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini.
There once was a girl from Hoboken,
who swore her cherry was broken,
from riding her bike,
on a cobblestone pike,
but it was really broken from pokin'.
On a maiden a man once begat
Bouncing triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat
Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat!
There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!
There once was a young man named Bruno,
who said, "F*ing is one thing I do know.
"Sheep are just fine,
"And women devine,
"But, llamas are numero uno!"
There once was a rabbi named Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
It was not for the leisure
Or the sensual pleasure
But to get at the cheese underneath.
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But ’twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie –
‘Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!
A young whore who came from Lahore
Would lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny
She'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core.
An insomniac young fellow named Hatches
Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez
He still tossed and turned
half the night, but he learned
How to manage by sleeping in snatches.
There once was a Scott named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter
'Twas not his size
That caused such surprise
'Twas his rhythm - iambic pentameter.
There was this baker from South Carolina
Who stuck an eggbeater in her vagina
The cakes she would glaze
In an orgasmic haze
And her screams they would rattle the china.
There was a young vampire called mable,

whose periods were always quite stable,

at every full moon,

she took out a spoon,

and drank herself under the table.
There once was a Senator from Mass
Who wanted a strange piece of ass
He lucked up and found it
But screwed up and drowned it
And now his future is past.
A lad and a lass from Aberystwyth
United the lips that they kystwyth.
But as they grew older,
They also grew bolder,
And played with the things that they pystwyth.
That twisted ol' dude called Lee,
Had a thing for a woman's knee.
He tossed her a coin
She kicked in his groin
And now he is known as Cicely.
To Marie Antoinette whispered Montesquieu,
“Madame la Reine, do you want to squieu?
I’ll balance your powers
For hours and hours
Until I have bend your hole a-skew.”
There once was a woman from Arden

Who was blowing her man in her garden

He said “my dear Flo,

Where does it all go?

She said *gulp* “I beg your pardon?
Young Micharlangelo Matos
Has relations with unripe tomatoes.
Grinning, he flirts
"Sure the insertion hurts
But they're cleaner than uncooked potatoes."
There once was a fella named Rick
Who started to date this hot chick
But brief was romance
For tucked in her pants
was a much larger dick.
There once was maid name of Olga,
whoes resume read rather vulga
the things she could do,
from basement to flue,
without ever letting go of ya
There once was a man called Lyle,
Who found a young maiden to defile,
She needed no coercion
So he made his insertion
And polished her off dog style.
There once was a monarch named Ed
Who screwed Mrs. Simpson in bed.
As they bounced up and down,
He yelled, "Bugger the Crown!
We'll give it to Bertie, instead!"
There once was a gal from Cancun,
Who had a most curious poon.
T'was coarse like a thistle,
But tight as a whistle,
And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.
There once was a hooker named Sue,
Who filled her va**na with glue.
When they paid to get in,
She said with a grin,
You must pay to get out of it too!
There was a young lady from Clyde,
who ate a bad apple & died.
the apple fermented,
inside the lamented,
making cider inside her insides!
There was a young Coed of Kent,
In matters of law eloquent.
She told lawyers from Yale
That her ass was for sale,
But they proved it was only for rent.
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.
There once was a miner named Dave
who kept a dead whore in a cave.
When asked "Does she smell?"
he replied "What the hell!
Just think of the money I save!"
On the Breast of a woman named Gale
was tattooed the price of her tail
and on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in braille.
There once was a guy named Swartz,
whose dick was covered with warts,
but the girls would play,
with his dick anyway,
'cause good ol' Swartz came in quarts!
There once was a man from Racine
Who was an amazing fu**ing machine
Both concave and convex
He could screw either s*x
and jerk himself off in between.
You may think these limericks are crass
and throw me a comment to sass
but I will agree
to some degree
and I’ll still show you the crack of my ass
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