This is where hilarious poetry meets a dirty mind - Our Dirty Limerick section!

There once was a man from Iraq
Who had holes down the length of his c**k
When he got an erection
It'd play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
There was a young man from Peru,
who fell asleep in his canoe,
while dreaming of Venus,
he played with his penis,
and woke up covered in goo.
There once was a lady from Decatur
Who got laid by a large alligator.
But nobody knew
The result of that screw
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
There was a young lady from Brighton
Who had an incredibly tight 'un
"Heavens Above!
It fits like a glove"
"Oh! you ain't put it in the right 'un!"
There once was a man from Cape Horn,
who wished he never was born.
And he wouldn't have been
if his father had seen
that the top of the rubber was torn.
Young Micharlangelo Matos
Has relations with unripe tomatoes.
Grinning, he flirts
"Sure the insertion hurts
But they're cleaner than uncooked potatoes."
You may think these limericks are crass
and throw me a comment to sass
but I will agree
to some degree
and I’ll still show you the crack of my ass
A suave young man named Douglas
Felt bad that he was pud-less.
He rolled up a sock
To embolden his c**k
And now he is no longer loveless.
There was a gay Countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
Rank and education,
She always spelt Cunt with a K.
At McDonald’s in Guildford in Surrey
I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry
I had to act quick
To cool down my dick
So I stuck it into my McFlurry
There once was a man from Racine
Who was an amazing fu**ing machine
Both concave and convex
He could screw either s*x
and jerk himself off in between.
A young whore who came from Lahore
Would lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny
She'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core.
There once was a Senator from Mass
Who wanted a strange piece of ass
He lucked up and found it
But screwed up and drowned it
And now his future is past.
There once was a sailor named Bates
Who was dancing the mambo on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
An insomniac young fellow named Hatches
Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez
He still tossed and turned
half the night, but he learned
How to manage by sleeping in snatches.
There was a young Coed of Kent,
In matters of law eloquent.
She told lawyers from Yale
That her ass was for sale,
But they proved it was only for rent.
There once was maid name of Olga,
whoes resume read rather vulga
the things she could do,
from basement to flue,
without ever letting go of ya
On a maiden a man once begat
Bouncing triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat
Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat!
There once was a rabbi named Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
It was not for the leisure
Or the sensual pleasure
But to get at the cheese underneath.
On the Breast of a woman named Gale
was tattooed the price of her tail
and on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in braille.
there once was a man from Nantucket
with a d**k so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he licked off his chin
"if my ear was a c**t I would f**k it."
There was a young lady from Clyde,
who ate a bad apple & died.
the apple fermented,
inside the lamented,
making cider inside her insides!
There once was a girl from Hoboken,
who swore her cherry was broken,
from riding her bike,
on a cobblestone pike,
but it was really broken from pokin'.
There once was a woman from Arden

Who was blowing her man in her garden

He said “my dear Flo,

Where does it all go?

She said *gulp* “I beg your pardon?
There once was a gal from Cancun,
Who had a most curious poon.
T'was coarse like a thistle,
But tight as a whistle,
And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.
There once was a guy named Swartz,
whose dick was covered with warts,
but the girls would play,
with his dick anyway,
'cause good ol' Swartz came in quarts!
Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
A sperm, alack and forsooth
Was at its moment of sexual truth
It had hoped to fall
On the womb's spongy wall
But was dashed to its death on a tooth!
That recently single dude Martin
told his ex-wife "Since our partin'
I've had women and men
Several geese and a hen
and a Hoover, and that's just for startin'."
There once was a man from East Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming...he went.