When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
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