For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
You are aged to perfection.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
More candles means a bigger wish!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
They say everything gets better with age.
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