I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.