Every morning at 5:30am, a New Zealander man named Dave walks out into his backyard.
SLAP! SLAP!
“Kam-ar-tee, Kam-ar-tee!”, Dave yells.
The neighbor, Tom, could hear it through the fence and it travels all through his house waking his newborn baby up crying. This goes on for a week straight.
After the first week, Tom’s wife says “Tom you’ve got to say something!."
Tom replies, “What can I do? The Haka is a traditional Maori ritual, and he's from New Zealand. It's his culture!”
This goes on for two weeks.
Every morning...
SLAP! SLAP!
“Kam-ar-tee, Kam-ar-tee!” there sounds Dave's yell.
Tom’s baby is crying every morning from this. His wife fed up says, “Tom, you’ve got to say something!”
Tom, releasing this can’t go on much longer, but hesitant to say anything to Dave, replies “Honey, I know it’s early, but I’m sure he’s practicing the Haka for something important!”
“It’s been two whole weeks, I’m sure he’s done practicing. I’ll tell you what, if he does it tomorrow morning, I’LL go say something.”
The next morning…
SLAP! SLAP!
“Kam-ar-tee, Kam-ar-tee!” Dave yells.
Enough is enough.
Tom marches next door and knocks on Dave's door.
“Hey man, look, I've got nothing against New Zealand, but do you have to do the haka before sunrise every day?”
Dave, looking shocked standing in his door way, says nothing…
Just then an old dog walks around the corner.
Tom says, “Hi little fella!” “When when did you get a dog, Dave?”
Dave says, “About 2 weeks ago, my sister dropped him off whilst she’s away. She said he wants to be walked every morning first thing and he’s deaf as a post”
“I yell at him to come, but he can’t hear me!”
Tom says, “what’s his name?”
”Artie.”
Two country brothers are laid off from work and go to the unemployment office.
The two of them apply for unemployment. The first brother is asked his occupation to which he replies, "I am a panty stitcher. I sew pantyhose for women."
The clerk looks up his occupation and finds it to be unskilled labor. He gives the brother $300 a week for unemployment.
The clerk asks the second brother his occupation and he says, "Diesel Fitter."
The clerk again looked it up and found it to be skilled labor so the brother is given $600 a week for unemployment.
A week later, the first brother comes in and he's angry as heck. He accosts the clerk and says it's not fair his brother gets more money than he does.
"Well, his job requires more skill." replies the clerk.
"What skill? I sew the pantyhose and he holds them up and says, 'diesel fitter.'"
At breakfast a woman said to her husband, "Honey, I had the wildest dream last night. I dreamt that I saw a diamond necklace! What do you think it means?"
The husband thought about it for a moment, and answered, "Well, you know sweetie, maybe you'll find out what that dream means on your birthday."
Some time later, they were having breakfast again, and the wife said, "Honey, just I had another dream. I was wearing diamond earrings! What do you think it means?"
The husband answered, "Your birthday is even closer now sweetie, so I bet you're going to find out what that dream means!"
Another morning at breakfast, the wife said, "Honey, I had a dream last night that someone gave me a diamond tennis bracelet. What do you think this dream means???"
The husband answered, "Sweetie, It's your birthday next week, and I promise, you'll find out exactly what that dream means."
The day before the wife's birthday, she says to her husband, "Honey, I dreamt last night that you gave me a diamond ring! Do you know what that dream means?"
The husband answered, "Sweetie, I love you so much, and all I can say is there's only one more day until you find out what all these dreams mean."
The next morning at breakfast, the husband gave his wife her birthday present. It was a book: "How to Interpret your Dreams".
This guy in his 50s goes to the doctor.
"What’s your daily activity level like?" the doctor asks.
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, a guy your age, probably not eating all that healthy, probably not getting that much exercise…"
The guy shrugs. "Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake and outran a wild dog in the heavy brush."
"Well, that sounds pretty good," the doctor comments.
"That’s nothing," the guy says. "The day before, I marched up and down several hills and outran a couple of bears."
"That sounds really impressive."
"And last weekend, I crawled out of quicksand, stood in a patch of poison ivy, and knocked down a small tree.”
"Well," the doctor says, "it sounds like you’re one hell of an outdoorsman!"
"Nah," the guy replies, "I'm just real lousy at golf."
A devout Christian woman is trying to make it into the best church in her community...
It's in the richest neighborhood. It has the most beautiful stained glass windows. And people from the country club have a big social life there.
Every morning or evening before mass the bell rings. And every night after everyone leaves the fancy iron gates are shut and locked.
Well the woman falls quite in love with the idea of attending that church, even if it is a bit out of her way. One Sunday she goes to attend but is barred at the door. She's told she has to present her membership card.
When she asks how to get one she's told that not only must she pay for the country club membership, HOA fees in their neighborhood, but she also has to prove she does a lot of charitable work. After that the leaders of the church will examine her case and decide if she's a good fit for their church.
The woman is a bit crushed and discouraged...but...ultimately decides its worth it because it's such a beautiful building to attend church in. So she does it. She sets aside money from her paychecks to pay the fees, and starts volunteering at soup kitchens and donating to charities for good causes.
When she thinks she's surely done enough she goes back. But her membership is denied again. She's not doing and giving as much as everyone else there.
That night she takes it tearfully to prayer. Begging Jesus for the wisdom of what else can she do to get in there.
The response comes back:
"I DIED for them... and I've been trying to get in for years!"
A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having a tremendous dog, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after one show and asked why her dog never won.
"Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have a great dog, but it's not winning because of the hair between its toes."
Upset, the lady sais, "But I trim it as close as possible! What can I do!?"
"Well", the judge said, "go to the pharmacy and get some liquid hair remover and put it between your dog's toes. You'll be able to pull the hair right out and you'll win best in show, I guarantee it!"
So the lady rushed to the pharmacy to find the liquid hair remover. She went up and down every aisle but couldn't find it. The pharmacist saw her searching and asked if he could help.
"I'm looking for liquid hair remover, and I can't find it," she said.
The pharmacist said, "It's on aisle ten. I'll show you."
He walked her over and picked up the bottle. As he handed it to her he said, "Now, after you use this, you can't wear panty hose for a couple of days because the chemicals will bond the nylon to your skin."
The lady said, "Oh, it's not for my legs, it's for my schnauzer."
And the pharmacist said, "Well in that case, don't ride a bicycle for at least a week."
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Brit are debating philosophy.
The question arises: what separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," claims the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to experience deep emotion when viewing a beautiful piece of art."
The Brit sits quietly sipping his tea. After several minutes the annoyed Frenchman says, "Well, what about you, limey? What do you think separates man from the animals?"
And the Brit says, "The English Channel."
An Englishman driving the backroads of Scotland sees a bonnie lass on the side of road, waving for him to stop.
He stops, gets out and approaches her to see what is wrong when the burliest Scotsman he's ever seen emerges from the bushes. Before he can say anything, the Scotsman tells him, "Aye. Masturbate. Or I'll yer head off, ya ken?"
In cowering fear of his life, he somehow manages to do as asked, aided by the sight of the lovely lass who he stopped to assist. After he finished, he looked up at the giant Scot.
"Again. Or I'll slice you up from nave to the chaps. NOW!"
Fearing for his life, he somehow found the ability to manage one more go. Upon completion, he looked up again at giant Scot.
"AGAIN, ye tommy badge! Again, or i'll have yer bawbags!"
There was no way. "There no way I can do it again. None at all. You'll have to do what you have to do."
The giant Scotsman changed his demeanor and said, "Alright. Now you can drive me daughter to Aberdeen."
Bob went home early after a night shift as a security guard and exhausted, dropped his clothes on the bedroom floor and was about to fall into bed, when he saw his wife was still in bed. "Oh, you're early!" she shrieked suddenly. "I have a splitting headache, could you please drive down to the pharmacy and get me some aspirin?"
Bob quickly grabbed up his clothes and drove to the pharmacy, where his buddy the pharmacist said "Oh, Bob! When did you start working as a mailman?"
A man sees a men’s store with a suit on sale…
It should be expensive. Hart Shaffer and Marks, but it’s only $100!
So he goes in and asks if he can get one in a size 44. The salesperson says, “well we don’t actually have and in stock. The owner puts that in the window to get people like you to come in. Can I show you something else?”
The man goes on his way, and a block down, sees the same suit in a different store window. Price is $1800. But he gets an idea.
He enters the store and asks, “do you price match?”
“Yes, I own this store and I will not just match, but beat any competitor pricing.”
“Well your competition has that same suit priced at $100! So what would be your price for a size 44?”
“If I was out of stock, like my friend up the street, it would be $50.”
Two old men, Saul and Morty, meet on a cruise and discover they have everything in common. They’re both widowers, they both live in New York, and they’re both culture vultures with a passion for the arts. They spend the whole cruise talking about theater, opera, ballet, music, and art museums.
They promise to meet up again after the ship docks.
A week later, Saul calls Morty. “Morty, I got two tickets to the New York Philharmonic on Friday. An evening of Bach and Beethoven. Want to come with me?”
“Wow! Bach! Beethoven! I could think of nothing more sublime. But unfortunately, I can’t come on Friday night. Shapiro is playing.”
“Oh,” says Saul, disappointed.
The following week, Saul calls Morty again. “Morty, I got us two tickets to La Boheme starring Andrea Bocelli for Saturday night!”
“Incredible! Bocelli and La Boheme - my two favorites! But sadly, I cannot make it Saturday night. Shapiro is playing!”
Saul decides to give him one more chance the following week. “Morty, you’re not going to believe this, but the Louvre has sent the Mona Lisa itself to the Met for a one-night-only exhibition Wednesday night. Tickets? Forget it. Not even the mayor can get in. But I managed to snag one for each of us.”
“The Mona Lisa?! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Oh my friend, I want to be there so badly, but unfortunately—
“Let me guess. Shapiro is playing?”
“He is!”
“Morty, I’m insulted! I’ve never heard of this guy. Who the hell is this Shapiro? What does he play??”
“My friend, I don’t know what Shapiro plays. I don’t know where he plays it. All I know is, when Shapiro is playing, I’m shtupping his wife!” 
A guy crashes his car and hits a woman. When the police show up, he claims it was the woman's fault.
"She was on her phone!" he yells. "And to make matters worse, she was drinking a glass of wine at the time. Can you believe it?"
"Sir," said the cop patiently, "she can do whatever she wants in her own living room."
A Lufthansa flight is over the Atlantic when there is a loud BANG! The plane shudders, and starts to go down. The pilot gets on the speaker and says, "Ladies und gentlemen. As you probably haffe noticed, we haffe lost all of our engines, und we are currently plummeting toward zee ocean!"
Well, everyone on the plane starts screaming and carrying on.
The pilot gets back on the speaker and says, "Ladies und gentlemen, haffe no fear! We at Lufthansa haffe prepared for just zuch an emergency. Listen carefully. Zoze of you who can swim, move to zee left zide of zee airplane. Zoze of you who cannot swim, move to zee right zide of zee airplane."
So the passengers start trading places and moving around; swimmers on the left and non-swimmers on the right.
After a minute or so the pilot gets back on the speaker. "Okay, ladies und gentlemen. In just a few minutes we vill plummet into zee ocean. Zoze of you on zee left zide of zee plane: as soon as we hit zee ocean, leave zee plane und swim avay as fast as you can.
Zoze of you on zee right zide of zee plane: thank you for flying Lufthansa!"
A woman was getting her hair done at the salon for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really!" Exclaimed the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"
"He said: "Who screwed up your hair?""
This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.
The next day he was in the shower when he heard the voice again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He ignored it and went to work, but while in the elevator going up to his office, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."
Later that day, while he was in a meeting, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." On the car ride home, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." In bed trying to sleep, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."
The next day was worse. He started hearing the voice every hour on the hour. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He didn't tell anyone, because he didn't want anyone to think he was crazy. He tried to ignore it, but the voice was persistent... "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas."
The next day, he was hearing the voice over and over and over again. It was louder than ever. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." Finally, the guy snaps. "Darn it!"
He goes up to his boss, tells him he quits, then walks out. He goes home and contacts a realtor, and sells the house the next day. He packs up the cash in a suitcase, buys a plane ticket, and flies to Vegas.
After he walks out of the airport and says, "Alright, now what?" "Go to Caesar's Palace."
The guy hails a taxi and immediately goes to Caesar's Palace. As soon as he walks into the front door, he hears the voice again. "Go to the roulette table."
The guy goes to the nearest roulette table. "Put it all on red 21."
The guy takes all of his money and puts it on red 21. The croupier spins the wheel, and the ball goes round and round, and finally lands... on black 35.
"DAMMIT!" Said the voice.
A couple of drunk customers at the Lone Bucket Bar started talking about their spouses.
This talk, being held by drunk men, quickly devolved into a competition of who's wife loves him the most.
At a certain point, a regular named Dave pulled up a stool and announced, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” inquired the bartender, as well as several of the group.
Dave beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work...She was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
A man that's always lived a righteous life passes away in his sleep.
He finds himself at the end of a long line of people chatting about their lives and the last things they were doing, as he gets closer to the front he can see St. Peter at a podium standing in-between two doors, he can see when the doors open on one side it's people reading, hugging, chatting, children playing in the background
When the other door opens he can see beer kegs as far as the eyes can see, men in lounge chairs with beautiful women crawling all over them filling their glasses, when his turn finally comes St. Peter says "Heaven" a door opens, the man looks up and says "I don't mean to question your judgement but hell looks a lot more entertaining!"
St. Peter leans down and says "I'll let you in on a secret, those kegs have holes in them, the women... do not."
Guy goes to the doctor, says, "Doc! You gotta help me! My damn penis turned bright orange!"
The doctors says, "Really? Oh my, I've never heard of that before. Let's take a look."
So the man drops his pants and underwear, and sure enough the doctor sees the brightest, orangest organ he's ever seen.
"Hm," says the doctor, "do you now or have you ever by any chance worked in a dye factory?"
"Nah, never done that for work" the man replies.
"Well," the doctor continues, "do you work with any dangerous chemicals?"
"Nope, too scary, wouldn't do that either" says the man.
Stumped, the doctor then asks, "Ok, do you work with radioactive materials then?"
"No, Doc, you don't get it!" the man retorts, "This can't be work related, gotta be something else! I've been unemployed for months now, all I do is sit around the house eating Cheetos and watching porn!"
A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."
"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."
So she holds the door open, and he takes his swing. The ball hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.
Almost a year to the day passes and it finds the golfer back on the same course, this time playing with a co-worker. As luck would have it, he shanks it again and ends up in the same barn.
"Don't worry," says the co-worker, "I can hold the door open and you'll be back on the fairway like that."
"Oh no," the golfer says, "I did the exact same thing a year ago with terrible results."
"Why? What happened?" the co-worker asks.
"I got a 4 over," the golfer says.
Eddie woke up in the night and heard a burglar in the house. He ran to the closet with his cellphone and called the police.
The police who arrived just in time and arrested the intruder as he was exiting the house with their jewelry and cash.
The Next day Eddie went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar.
"You can't do that." said the duty sergeant, "You'll have to wait till he's in court. Why do you want to speak to him?"
"Well," said Eddie, "he got into my house and into our bedroom at 2 am without waking up my wife. I've got to know how he did it."
On a long-distance train journey, a man and a woman accidentally ended up in the same sleeping cabin. Both were married, but they didn’t know each other.
At first it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but since they were very tired, they soon fell asleep. The man slept on the upper berth and the woman on the lower berth.
Around 1 a.m., the man woke up because it was cold. He slowly leaned down and woke the woman, saying, “Excuse me, ma’am, sorry to disturb you, but I’m feeling very cold. Could you please take out another blanket from the drawer?”
The woman smiled and replied, “I have a better idea. Just for tonight, why don’t we behave like husband and wife?”
The man was stunned! With sweets bursting in his mind, he happily said, “Wow! What a great idea! Sure!”
The woman immediately said, “Then stop being lazy… go and get your own blanket yourself!”
There was a moment of silence… and then the man let out a loud fart.
Bobby had just bought an incredibly shiny pair of shoes and was very proud of them.
Curious about just how shiny they were, the not-so-decent Bobby decided to put them to the test. He went to a bar and approached a woman in a dress.
“Excuse me, ma’am,” Bobby asked, “are you wearing green underwear?”
Surprised, she said, “Yes… I am. How did you know?”
He grinned. “I must be wearing the shiniest shoes in the world.”
Feeling confident, he walked up to another woman, wearing a skirt.
“Excuse me, are you wearing red underwear?”
“Yes,” she replied, shocked.
Now fully convinced of his shoes’ brilliance, he approached a third woman in a dress.
This time, he hesitated
. “Excuse me, ma’am… are you not wearing any underwear?”
“No, I’m not,” she said. “Why?”
Bobby let out a huge sigh of relief and said, “Oh, thank God. I thought there was a hole in my shoe.”
A visitor in the hospital is walking through the newborns room. He looks at one baby and smiles:
Man: 'Hi, I'm George. What's your name?'
Baby: 'Alex.'
The man looks at him in shock.
George: 'When were you born?'
Alex: 'Three days ago, at 6:20 P.M.'
George: 'Who are your parents?'
Alex: 'My Mom is Laura Princeton, she is a programmer, in room number 6. Dad is Thomas Princeton, an engineer, should come visiting in three hours.'
George: 'Amazing! How do you know all that already?'
Alex: 'Well I wasn't born yesterday, you know.'
A man walks into a bar, orders a bourbon, neat, and downs it in a single gulp.
“How big is a penguin?” he asks the bartender.
The bartender says, “Around 18 inches.”
He orders a double bourbon, neat, and gulps it down.
“What’s the biggest a penguin can ever be?”
The barman frowns. “Three feet, maybe an inch or two more.”
The man orders another double bourbon, neat, and gulps it down even quicker.
He sighs. “I may have run over a nun.”
Naomi had a reputation for being nasty, which followed her all the way to the gates of St. Peter.
“You said some pretty awful things to your husband,” says St. Peter. “Like when he bought that sharp-looking hat.”
“I’m sorry,” says Naomi, “but that thing made his ears look enormous.”
St. Peter shakes his head. “And the skinny jeans? He’s got the legs for it.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, “but I can’t get past his bony knees.”
He sighs. “And the beard? Big fans up here.”
She shakes her head.
“Look,” says St. Peter, “if you expect to get past these gates, we’ll need a genuine apology.”
Naomi takes a breath. “I’m sorry.”
“Good,” says St. Peter.
“…but with feet like that, you really shouldn’t wear open-toed sandals.”
A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage.
Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out."
Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Alright my child, so it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning."
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Okay My Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it."
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again:
"God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?"
A familiar voice rumbles: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
George is playing fetch with his dog by a lake.
He throws a stick out on the water and the dog trots out atop the water, retrieves the stick and walks back to him. George is flabbergasted. He throws the stick again. And again, the dog trots out atop the water, gets the stick and brings it back.
The man can hardly believe his eyes! Bursting with excitement, that evening he goes to his neighbor's house, Bill, and invites him to come down to the lake the next day, hoping to show off his amazing dog.
Once they arrive, the man throws the stick out into the middle of the lake. Just as before, the dog trots out on top of the water, grabs the stick, and trots back. Bill watches calmly and says nothing.
George throws the stick again. The dog walks on the water, gets it, and returns. Still, the neighbor remains silent.
Unable to contain himself any longer, George asks, "So... did you notice anything unusual about my dog?"
Bill rubs his chin and replies, "Yeah, I noticed. He can't swim, can he?"
How do different professionals measure the volume of a ball?
Mathematician: Measures the dimensions of the ball and calculates the volume.
Engineer: Looks up the volume in the ball catalog.
Physicist: Submerges the ball in a beaker of water and measures the displacement.
Statistician: Compiles thousands of guesses about the volume without a single answer being correct.
Lawyer: Explains to you why it is legally someone else's job to calculate the volume.
Politician: Tells you every statistic about the ball, from every angle, his opinions on the ball, and his opponents' opinions, but still won't answer the question you actually asked.
Banker: Prefers to invest in other people's guesses about the volume and charge a commission on the profits.
Psychologist: Sits with the ball for an hour and tries to get it to talk about itself and its volume.
Mechanic: Doesn't care about the volume, but asks when was the last time you replaced its timing belt.
Economist: Explains that the volume depends on supply, demand, and global market conditions, and predicts that it will likely change in the future.
Tech Guy: Develops an app to measure ball volume, which crashes the first time you try to launch it.
Doctor: Asks if the ball is experiencing any pain, orders some lab tests, and will get back to you with an answer in two weeks.
In an Irish pub, a newcomer ordered a pint of beer. He drank it and complained it was weak. The bartender served him a 10% alcohol beer, and the newcomer said it was still weak.
The next day, the bartender mixed pure alcohol with detergent to make foam and added yellow dye. The newcomer said it was almost good, but still weak.
Annoyed, the bartender mixed sulfuric acid with the alcohol and waited. The newcomer arrived, drank it, his eyes bulged, he paid, and left. He didn’t come back the next day.
The bartender was relieved when he finally reappeared. He offered him a regular strong beer on the house, and the newcomer said:
“No way! I want the one that makes holes in the sidewalk when I piss!”
Lawyer Smith was in his office one day.
His partner Jones of their Smith and Jones law firm was not in. Business was rather slow lately, so he was glad when a client came in to pay her bill which amounted to four hundred dollars.
He diligently entered the amount in the account book and was putting away the money when he realized that there were two hundred dollar notes stuck together. With the extra hundred dollar note in his hand, he experienced the inner struggle that all faithful lawyers face.
After battling with his conscience long and hard he finally decided on a coin toss. Heads he would tell, tails he won't.
Tails came up.
So he didn't tell his partner.
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