Jokes > Search Results > quizlet live join

quizlet live join Jokes

quizlet live join Jokes and more.

Related Tags: live join Live longer farmer joke

Music Puns

Smart Lobsters

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds each, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season had closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, "Well me laddie, I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!" The fisherman says, "No my son, you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended." The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained... like how?" "Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!" "Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true." So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?" The fisherman says, "What For?" The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the lobsters." The fisherman says, "What lobsters?"

The Famous Grandfather

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much... But he would be 165 years old."

Golfing With the Wife and the Doctor

A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He's never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out. All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it's taking... They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack! "Help me," he groans to his wife. The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt. Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the wife calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" he asks feebly. "No time at all," says his wife. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Jogging Pick Up Lines

Owl Puns

A Cat Chills Out With God In Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

15 Minutes Late

A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round. She says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse. Finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "Well I'm ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, "What if it's pointing straight up?" "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

The Amateur Zoologist

Ole and Lena are having intercourse in their bedroom. Ole says, "Lena, did you know that there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska? Lena says, "No, I didn't." Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart." Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?" "No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their intimacy. "How did you get so smart?" Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?" "Yes, I remember," says Lena. "Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your butt."

The Most Important Thing in Life

It was the retirement dinner for Tim Simmons. He’d lived a long life. When he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten diseases. With the little money he earned from his hard work he immediately donated it back into relief funds for all the places he’d visited. His coworkers all loved him, ask anyone and they all say he was the most positive and bright man they’d ever met. This is why it came as no surprise that during his retirement dinner, an angel descended from heaven to speak with him. “You have lived a giving life, one that many could look up too and many relied on to survive. Because of this, we would like to give you a gift- a long and healthy life, all the wealth you could imagine, or unparalleled wisdom.” Tim debates between longevity and wisdom for half a breath but very quickly decides he wants unparalleled wisdom. The angel reaches down, touches his forehead, and leaves without another word. The guests at the dinner, still in a partial state of shock, stare in silence at the slack jawed man. Eventually, his coworker and closest friend speaks up, “Well? How is it?” The room was silent for a few seconds while Tim mulled over the question. “I should’ve chosen the bloody money.” He said.

Yoga Pick Up Lines

Furniture Puns

An Excellent New Soldier

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Predictive Text Can Be Dangerous

The First Text Message: 'Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.' The Response: John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor. The Second Text Message: 'Hi John, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.'

Calling the CEO

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!" It turns out that he didn't dial the pantry at all. The voice from the other side responded: "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee pauses for a moment to think about an appropriate response. He shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No," replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

There's No Joke Like a Senior Joke!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over. -------------------------- I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'! -------------------------- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. -------------------------- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat until the wrinkles fill out. -------------------------- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license! -------------------------- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'These days, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says: 'For fast relief.''

The Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing anything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The counter-tops have been cleaned and the appliances are sparkling. Even the floor was waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted and the pillows on the sofa plumped. It even watered the plants. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later…no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede! He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? S o he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter??!!” “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just putting’ on my shoes!”

For the Family

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender approached and told him: "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replied: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained. "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Zombie Puns

St. Patrick's Day Puns

Funny Health Quotes

The Balloon Family

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon. Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from mommy balloon. Then the next night: he released air from the daddy balloon. On the 3rd night he couldn't fit no matter how hard he tried, so he decided to release some air out of himself. The next morning the father woke up enraged as he was still shattered from a sleepless night. He goes: 'Son, you've went to far... you've let me down, you've let your mom down, but most importantly son... you've let yourself down."

Baseball Puns

Swimming Puns

Sky Puns

Forgiveness Is a Tricky Thing

Fred was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (George) approached and asked if he could join him. Fred said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. George said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" Fred said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed. George easily won the remaining 16 holes. They walked off number eighteen while George counted his $80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and “liked to pick on suckers.” Fred, shocked, revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic and offered to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings." The embarrassed pro asked, "Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.”

Onion Puns

Chicken Puns

We're Saved!

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing." "Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "Our problems are over, there's no way they will fail to find us now!"

A Distraught Man Visits a Psychiatrist

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. "You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived... And it's getting worse. Doctor, it's getting worse!" "This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?" "Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?!?"

The Asylum Breakout

Two men are in a lunatic asylum and one night, they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! They get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight to freedom. The first man jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn’t dare make the leap, afraid of falling. So then, the first man has an idea… He says, 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' The second man immediately spots the problem with this and shakes his head. ' "What do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!"

How Many Years Did I Live Again?

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive." "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

A Blond and Her Car

A blond lived with two blond room mates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over. When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents. A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”. “You dummy” one of her blond roommates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“

Living the Dream

Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Oliver asked. "I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?" Oliver puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either. And the action! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting laid consistently. Every single day." Jake couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Oliver living the good life for the past 20 years. The two friends parted after lunch. Later that night Jake was having dinner with his family when the phone rang. "Excuse me, is this Jake?" a voice asked. "Yes it is, how can I help you?" Jake replied. "I'm trying to track down Oliver. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued. "Okay"... Jake asked confused "Can I ask who this is?" "This is Oliver's parole officer."

The Overcrowded Bus

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus."

The Secure Bench

A new general was allotted to a new army base. After some time in the base he realized how there were two army men guarding an empty bench in shifts. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been a tradition here since joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through the past generals of that base till he found the one that was in charge 35 years ago. He attempted to find him, and found that he had retired and he lived in the countryside now. He contacted him and requested to meet. On the day of the meeting the general asked the retired commander why that bench was guarded so much. The commander was shocked. “So you’re telling me the paint on that bench hasn’t dried yet?!”

The State of the Modern Church

What Churches might be soon this 2020 and beyond: PASTOR: Praise the Lord. CONGREGATION: Hallelujah! PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker. CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all. CONGREGATION: Amen!

Physics Puns

Ant Puns

Foreign Trouble in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water." "But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal." "Wait a minute," said the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'!" "Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

Turtle Puns

Prolonged Life

George goes to the doctor after getting some very bad news about his condition. Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live." George: "Doctor, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer? I don't have any family but I really want to finish all the tv shows I'm watching." Doctor: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" George: "Yes." Doctor: "Stop doing that." George: "If I'll live longer, sure!" Doctor: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" George: "Yes." Doctor: "Stop doing that." George: "If it allows me to live longer, sure." Doctor: "Do you stay up late?" George: "Most nights." Doctor: "Stop doing that." George: "Alright, done." Doctor: "Do you have s*x often?" George: "Yes. A lot." Doctor: "Stop doing that." George: "Well, I guess, if it means living longer." Doctor: "Do you smoke?" George: "Yes." Doctor: "Stop doing that." George: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doctor: "Do you drink?" George: "Yes..." Doctor: "Stop doing that." George: "OK Doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doctor: "You'll still only live a week… but it will seem like a decade."

Spider Puns

Werewolf Puns

Band Puns

It's Very Simple, Young Man...

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store/ livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchase home. The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went. In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a shortcut down this alley and be there in no time". The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Meat Puns

Why Do I Have to Stay There?

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who welcomed him warmly and told him he will be taken to his forever heavenly dwelling. He then led him down the streets of gold. They passed castle after fantastic castle, then huge mansion after mansion, then beautiful cottages, until they came to the very end of the street and Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little wooden shack that looks like its about to fall down. “Welcome Home.” said Saint Peter. “Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded. “We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Who Gets the Parachute?

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when the pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death, the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes. Social Worker: "I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance." The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft. Lawyer: "I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge." The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft. Doctor: "I deserve to live because I help diagnose ill people with my specialized training." The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft. This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with it descending toward the ground. Old man: "Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an old man who doesn't have as many years left." Schoolboy: "Don't worry, we can both take a parachute. Look, there are still two left." The old man’s just stares in shock. "Wha...what... but those three..." "Remember the lawyer with the sharp wit and the massive knowledge? He took my school backpack."

A Young Scot Attends An English University

Donald MacDonald from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people... ...The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop... ...The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" She asked her son. Donald replied enthusiastically: "Mother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Did You Know That Americans Eat Dogs?

Decades ago, two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"

Theater Puns

Christian Pick Up Lines

Water Sports Pick Up Lines

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

A Near Death Experience

Sharon Lipshitz, a middle-aged woman, is walking down the street one day when she suddenly has a heart attack. She is quickly taken to the hospital, where it was determined she must undergo emergency surgery. While on the operating table, she has a near death experience, where she finds herself standing next to her unconscious body. Suddenly, she sees the Angel of Death standing next to her. "That's it? I'm dead?" She asks him. "NOT YET," says the Grim Reaper. "You will live another 20 years at least." He then disappears and Sharon wakes up in her own body. Upon her recovery, Sharon is told that she was close to death, but miraculously made a full recovery. Sharon decides that she is going to really live in the 20 years she has left. Since she's got another 20 years, she might as well make the most of it. She decides to stay at the hospital and get a boob job, a nose surgery, liposuction - the works. She walks out of the hospital looking 20 years younger. Her body looks great and she has a huge smile on her face. She takes two steps and is immediately hit by a passing ambulance, which kills her on the spot. She stands next to her body, and suddenly sees the Angel of Death. "Hey you!" she says angrily, "What gives? You said I had 20 more years!" The Angel of Death looks at her, surprised. "Sharon," he leans closer, "is that YOU? I didn't even recognize you!" Moral of the story: There's nothing wrong with making yourself look good, but if you want to live your life properly, live them as you are and not as anyone else!

Football Puns

And What Does YOUR Father Do?

It was a regular day at first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living. Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn't really understand their parents' jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all. When they got to little Johnny, he stood up and said: "My dad cuts people in half." "Oh, really?" asked the teacher with a smile, "You mean he's a magician?" "I don't know." Said Johnny. "A surgeon, maybe?" asked the teacher. "I don't know." repeated Johnny. "Then why do you think he cuts people in half?" asked the confused teacher. "Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters."

The Husband Test

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary and bleary eyes, she read: I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread."

The Ashes

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He turns green in disgust and horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

What Do You Call a Bird...

What bird can do more that others? A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum? A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling. What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker. What bird works in construction? A Crane. What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper. What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker. What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader. What bird just got arrested? A Robin. What bird goes to church? A Cardinal. What is a man's favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco. What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove. What bird can't walk straight? A warbler. What bird parties the most? A Raven!

Worm Puns

Orange Puns

The Genie, the Waterfall and Their Last Wish

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies. The American steps up first. "I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra and a gospel choir." "It will be done." says the genie. The Japanese goes next. "I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends." "It will be done." says the genie. The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear 'Just send me over the waterfall before the bloody song starts and the food gets here."

Spain Puns

Romantic Pick Up Lines

Funny Aging Quotes

I Don't Know Where to Put It

A young virgin couple is finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

The Friendship of Drunks

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, One guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters,"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Bread Puns

The Little Old Lady and the Proctologist

A little old lady has an appointment with a proctologist. The proctologist does the exam, and then discusses the results with her. He ends by saying, "Do you have any questions for me, Mrs. Smith?" The little old lady looks at him haughtily and says "Yes. Does your mother know what you do for a living?"

The Action Hero Meeting

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch. They are meeting to discuss Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun." "Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'll conduct a symphony of pain!" "Sweet," says Stallone. "Well, Arnie? What about you? Who're you going to be?" Schwarzenegger thinks about this for a long moment, nods his head and says: "I'll be *Bach.*"

River Puns

Science Puns

Baseball Pick Up Lines

Turkey Puns

Dog Puns

Driving Quotes

Heart Puns

Music Jokes

The Politician Mountain Climber

A politician, 3 doctors and 3 engineers decided to climb Mount Everest. They arrive there and start climbing the long way up the tallest climb on Earth. It's a grueling climb and they have to stop many times to rest and pull each other up. Halfway into the climbing, the rope starts to break. The doctors say they should all hang on and wait for help. Nobody believes they will arrive on time. The engineers, with their quick physics skills tell everyone "One of us has to jump or else we all die!" Nobody wanted to jump. Everyone held onto the rope with their hands tightly. Then, the politician let out a sigh. "You people are valuable resources for the country. A doctor can save so many lives. An engineer can build so many innovative things. But what am I? A useless politician. What do I do for society? Nothing. I just give speeches and that's it." - he gives out a very heartfelt sigh. The others were so touched, they all started clapping for the politician.

Son, I have a confession

One Sunday morning Michael burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, Michael's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your mother, Michael. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm afraid Susan is the result of one such affair. She is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." Michael was brokenhearted. He broke up with Susan the next day. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Michael. I'm awfully sorry about this." Michael was livid! He broke up with Diane that same day, leaving her in tears. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared and told her about his father's secret. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." "Oh, " his mother shook her head, "What are you listening to him for? He's not even your real father."

Father, It's About My Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years. When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in - maybe they'll do something for your pet." Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?" "Wait, wait..." said the Priest hurriedly, "you didn't tell me the dog was Catholic!"

A Child With Chocolate

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "he minded his own bloody business."

Corn Puns

The Parrot and the New House

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said: "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thought about this but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung its cage in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"

The Genie and the Three Wishes

A man finds a magic lamp. Of course, as the deal goes, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie that thunders he has 3 wishes to make.. "For my first wish, I want to be some kind of royalty." the man says. The Genie nods. "Yes, yes. That can easily be arranged." "For my second wish, I want to live in luxury, the most beautiful castle." "It will be done", the Genie agrees. "And I want to be married to a beautiful princess." "I understand", says the Genie, "However, your wishes require a lot of work. But it should be done tomorrow." So the man goes to sleep and when he wakes up, he is laying in a beautiful bed. He looks around and everything is just as he wished. He is a noble, living inside a beautiful castle and next to him a beautiful princess smiles at him. "Oh, you're finally awake, Franz-Ferdinand. We should get up, today we're traveling to Sarajevo."

Explorer Gives Talk In Seaside Town

A famous British explorer was invited to a seaside town to give a talk about his adventures in the African jungle. “Can you imagine a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryos of a certain bird and slices of the belly of a certain animal?” the explorer asked the assembled audience. Its members gasped and looked around at each other in horror. “They also grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear the result with a greasy mess that’s extracted from the mammary fluid of certain other animals,” the explorer continued. “Utterly barbaric! How can people live like that?” said a shocked individual. “All I’ve described is a breakfast of bacon, eggs and buttered toast, sir!” retorted the explorer. Moral of the story: Don't be quick to judge cultures before you understand your own!

The New Circus Performer

A circus manager is busy tiding is office when a scrawny little guy walks in the door. He walks over to the manager, and he says "Are you the boss here?" The manager says "Yeah. What do you want?" He says "I'd like to join the circus. I got an act." The guy says "Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is." So this little guy goes over to the center pole, and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top. And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath, and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms. And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes. Then he gets all the way up, and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground, flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And he says "Well, what do ya think?" "That's all you do? Says the boss disdainfully, "Bird imitations?"

The Old Snake and the Doctor

A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ”I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks. The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed. “What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc." Answers the snake dejectedly. "Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years.”

Crocodile Puns

Computer Puns

Shopping for a Psychic

In a small town there lived a gypsy psychic, who was known to read minds, do divinations etc. One day, she went to shop for clothes. After trying all kinds of outfits, a sales person approached her and asked if she can bring her some things. "Sure." Said the psychic, and the girl went to get her dresses. When she came back, the psychic looked at the clothes and then raised an eyebrow. "There is no way these will fit me, they are all 'Large'!" "I've been working at this a while," said the sales girl, "believe me, I think these will fit you." "Nope. No way." said the psychic. "How do you know if you haven't even tried them on?" Said the frustrated girl. "Trust me," said the psychic, "I'm a medium."

Elf Puns

Working at The Circus

So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”. Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the heck. I’m pretty talented.” and calls the circus. A lady answers him. “Hello,” she says. “Hi, is this the circus?” “Yes.” “I’ve heard you’re hiring.” “You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?” “Alex.” “Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?” “Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.” “O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...” “No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!” “Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...” “No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!” “...” “...” “Goodbye, sir.” She hangs up the phone. Alex sits there for a few seconds before he realizes he forgot something. “Oh darn, I forgot to tell her I’m a horse.”

Animal Puns

The Reformed Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved from Wyoming to Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." Then he smiled. “Hasn't affected my brothers, though."

Dolphin Puns

Christmas Puns

Spotify Pick Up Lines

The Sick Mother-In-Law

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?" He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!" "Wow that's amazing!" Says the surprised wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!" "Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," he replied, "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst!"

The Ex-Jewish Rabbit

So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives. His friend says, "Please come back to us." The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore." His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!" Almost dropping his cup due to the tugging, the rabbit rights himself and says, "You almost made me break my favorite cup! Please leave!" His friend angrily storms off. The rabbit's wife comes out and says, "What was that about?" The rabbit says, "My friend wanted me to lead the community at the synagogue again, but I would've had to drop the tea."

Being Senior Can Be a Funny Thing...

Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions: Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest! Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. Old printers never die, they're just not the type. Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding. Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip. Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. Old actors never die, they just drop apart. -------------------------------------- Three old guys were out walking. First one said, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one said, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!" -------------------------------------- Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

Volleyball Puns

Counting the Engines

It just happens that a long time ago, and for the first time in their lives, two country boys take their first flight from Florida to New York. While they're talking to each other they get interrupted by an announcement from the pilot: "Sorry to disturb you all but I think it's best you know one of our engines has failed. Don't worry we can still make it on 3 engines but there'll be a delay of one hour." So they begin talking again but soon another announcement is heard: "We regret to inform you that our second engine has failed which will mean another delay of an hour but don't worry we'll still make it." So the two grumble a bit but not for long as the pilot's voice is heard again after a few minutes: "Unfortunately our third engine has failed, meaning there'll be a delay of another hour to the journey." One of them turns to his friend and says, "Well darn, if that last engine fails we'll be up here all night!"

Fishing Puns

Monster Puns

Pizza Puns

A Desperate Prayer

A grandfather takes his grandchildren to the beach. They’re playing in the sand when suddenly, a massive wave comes and pulls the smallest grandson out into the water. Panicked, the grandfather prays to God. “Oh God, please bring him back! Please let him live, in your mercy. I'll do anything and worship you forever!” Almost immediately, an even bigger wave bursts out of the ocean, setting the little boy down right at his grandfather’s feet. He scoops him up in a huge hug, crying with relief. Then he stares up at the sky and says, “He had a hat.”

The Arrogant Professor

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man. Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?” The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?” The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior. To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him. “If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!” “No.” “Five dollars!” “No.” “Ten dollars!” “I told you, no.” Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!” The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees. “Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose. The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?” The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description. After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. Grumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100. He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?” The old man smiles and says: “I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar."

Just a Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied. 'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?' 'Darned if I know,' chirped the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!'