I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
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