I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.