Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
All clover the world.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
One trick peony.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
I’m rooting for you!
One more thyme.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Ants in your plants.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I’m very frond of you.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.