My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Leaf me alone.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
In the eyes of the lawn.
We’re mint to be.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I’m rooting for you!
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
All things must grass.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
You’re unbeleafable.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
I’m very frond of you.
That’s a bit mulch.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
In on the ground flora.
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