If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy