What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
You mermake me happy.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Shake your shamrocks.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
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