What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
I love you meow and forever.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"