Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.

Please excuse my resting beach face.

What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!

What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?

"I guess you had to be there."

What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.

What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.

What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.

When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.

“I love you from head to mistletoe.”

How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.

Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.

Something’s goat to give.

The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.

What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.

Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.

Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.

The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.

What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF

What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.

What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.

New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...

What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.

What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.

Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.

A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?

Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.

Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."

My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.

Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.

Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.

How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.

Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.

A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.

I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.

Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.

My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.

My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.

Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"

Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.

Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!

Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!

What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.

What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”