What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
I like your tight end
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
Tis the sea-sun.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
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