What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Sip, sip, horray!
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
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