Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Water you doing on [date]?
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
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