A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
I have bean thinking about you.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Owl always love you.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Bookworms take shelfies.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
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