Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
You are aged to perfection.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
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