Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
"Partners in wine."
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
"I lava you."
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
I call the shots.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
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