Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
"Some bunny loves you."
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
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