Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Variety is the ice of life.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
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