“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”

Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.

What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!

A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.

The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.

What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime

What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”

What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.

When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.

My weekend is fully booked.

My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.

How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.

What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.

If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.

I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.

She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."

What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”

What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester

My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.

When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.

France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.

My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"

What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE

What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”

I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.

Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.

Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!

What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.

What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.

Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”

Dad: “Four shore!”

Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.

Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.

I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.

“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.

Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.

When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.

Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?

I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.

Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.

When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.

What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.

Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.

I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.

Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.

When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.