Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
"Sip happens."
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
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