What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
You are aged to perfection.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
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