What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Summer is just floating by.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
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