What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Can’t pinch this.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
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