Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
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