My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
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