In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
"Lazy bones."
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
"Eggs love you."
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
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