Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Water you doing, my friend?
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
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