Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
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