How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
I dig you a hole lot.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Ah! The element of surprise.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Ants in your plants.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
Distill my beating heart.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
"What an egg-citing day."
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
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