When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
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