I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Skiing is believing!
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I love you berry much.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
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