My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
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