One more thyme.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
I hope for world peas.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Witch you were here.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
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