If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Make it rein.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
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