Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
I beg your garden?
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
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