Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
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