Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
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