Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Who’s your paddy?
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Best in snow.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
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