I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
I love you from my head tomato
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
This is snow laughing matter!
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Eddie edited it.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Whale, hello there.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
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