Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
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