What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
Irish you luck.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
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