Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Just brew it!
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Paddy like a rockstar.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
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