The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
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