What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Some bunny loves you.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
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