Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Time to spruce things up.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
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