How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
"That's all, yolks."
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
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