Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
All things must grass.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Go to BabaMail
