What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
I fence-y you.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
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