What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Go to BabaMail
